𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐏𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧?

Sometimes it feels like

the world spins backwards for me.

 

As my friends make plans,

I help,

knowing that I will not show up.

 

Sometimes it feels like

it gets harder to breathe.

 

As my friends talk,

I listen,

knowing that the conversation ends better

without me.

 

Sometimes I feel as though I am

tightening a rope around myself.

 

As I come home,

the only comfort inside it is my bed

because it’s easier to talk to a tv

than people.

 

I wonder what it must feel like

to be the person everyone wants to talk to.

 

I wonder what it must look like

to be the person everyone wants to be.

 

I wonder what it must feel like

to be friends with yourself.

 

My enemy is my own.

It speaks to my wounds,

thoughts, and refreshes

the sting.

 

To be carefree is one of the finer things in life.

 

 

I wish living was easier.

To feel energized instead of exhausted.

To move forward instead of backwards.

To be optimistic.

 

Just God, do I wish

I could experience the finer things in life.

 

     _{^{There is nothing more meaningful someone can say to me than what the blank wall of a ceiling can. And while my eyes stare up into it, patiently resting on the palm of my right hand is my phone—black-screened, unbothered. I’m waiting for a call, or, more likely, a text from my best friend, just like I do every night. Deep down, though, I know I won’t get anything, just like I do every night too. But, still, I wait as my ceiling speaks to me, giving me the strength I need for another night of false hope and exhaustion in the morning.}}

     _{^{Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me anymore. My heart still becomes filled from every empty promise he tells me, but my mind, my strength and my body are left to starve from them when they become due. It makes me question, right in the middle of the night when my hope begins to falter and I start to feel that awful sinking feeling in my chest, of how something that isn’t a person can be so cruel to me. The sense that I’ve done something wrong to deserve this becomes present and I’m left wishing I had slept instead of allow what a boy said to me before dismissal keep me awake. And the next day, it’s like he forgot all about it, and I forgive him. I forgive him each and every time.}}

   _{^{Every single time.}}

     _{^{My mind slips into fantasies—things I believed would’ve happened if I wasn’t the way I am; if I was like the same girl he gushes about to me. And I don’t know whether or not wishing for things that aren’t real helps me feel something in a wake of numbness or just brings me down further. I guess it’s the things that make us hurt are the things that make us feel. The downside of it all is that what I feel isn’t what I want to feel.}}

     _{^{Rocking back and forth on my heels, I tuck my lips into my mouth, leg bouncing up and down with anticipation. I’m stuck in the same position almost, standing next to his locker as if I’m a guard protecting it. But when he comes into my view from down the hall, I feel everything in me sink as I also see that he’s not alone.}}

     _{^{The way he smiles at her isn’t like anything I’ve ever seen. How he was dying merely a month before, struggling within his own self and debating whether or not the struggle was even worth it, and now he’s beaming like he just realized his purpose of living is remarkable. I have to look away, or else I’m really going to feel more stuck than I already was. I only seem to move when I hear him approach, his laughs following.}}

     _{^{“Hey, Leah, what’re you waiting here for?” I gulp and peer up at him with wide eyes, a red hue falling over my cheeks easily. “Lydia just told me that you were still in the library.” Shaking my head lightly, I tuck some hair behind my ear nervously and grin. My grin has been so unnoticeably empty besides to me and Ms. Morrell that I hardly try to make it seem convincing.}}

     _{^{“You said you would come over last night, but, you didn’t.” I watch as his face pales, his hand freezing from putting away his books. “S—So I was just… seeing if everything was alright.” Clearly you are, but, is it selfish to hope you aren’t? Why do I try anymore? Why do you continue to treat me as if 11 years of friendship meant nothing to you? What did I do Stiles? What did I d—}}

     _{^{He sighs and for a few seconds, he looks down, his lips pressing together into a firm line. “I’m so sorry.” Stiles whispers, meeting my glossy eyes. I see regret laced in them, and I fall right into their trap again. “Things got too out of hand for me. On my drive home, Roscoe broke down in the mud and I had called Scott to take me home, but, he couldn’t make it either. I called Lydia, and she drove me home. From there, I…” You forgot about me because all you could think about the girl sitting next to you. “I was so tired after that. She brought me home and I went to bed instantly.” My heart aches, but I nod softly anyways, hearing a sound of relief come from Stiles in response. Stiles hasn’t ever wanted to go to bed immediately. “But I will come tonight, I promise! Eight o’clock sharp, I’ll call you beforehand.” I don’t really respond. Suddenly I feel one of his warm hands clutch onto my forearm. “You can hold me to it, okay Leah?” Silence still takes over me, dealing with all the yells of my head and the singing of my heart, until he gives my arm a small shake. “Okay?”}}

     _{^{Licking over my lips, I continue to stare into his eyes, feeling my grin somewhat grow. “Okay.” I whisper, and Stiles nods with a smile, letting go of my arm to quickly put away his things and shut his locker hurriedly. It’s then he offers his hand to me, and I take it bashfully as we walk out the school and to his jeep. His clean jeep.}}

     _{^{I fight back against tears. Crying makes me feel more pathetic than I know I am, and I know imagining holding his hand than other rarely in the school isn’t going to help keep the tears from spilling. My eyes finally break from the ceiling, and I sit up weakly, pulling my arms onto my lap with my phone screen facing my thigh. That memory from earlier today is still harassing my head, and his words of ‘You can hold me to it’ seem to replay consistently. I even find it myself to look at the time on my phone. 10:03 pm. I’ve never hated such a number.}}

    _{^{Frowning sharply, I exhale shakily as I lean my head back onto my wall, my head turning to the right as I try to focus on impossible possibilities instead of what I would rather be doing, what I should be doing, right now. Leaning my head on his shoulder as I listen to him ramble on all his theories he’s already made on the movie we’re watching, his index finger gently rolling circles on my thigh as my own hand curls around his bicep.}}

     _{^{How could I be so stupid? After the Nogitsune, I should’ve known we would never be what we were before. Or, in fact, since Freshman year we haven’t been the same. I used to feel so safe with him, able to tell him anything and everything, even when my anxiety made me shaky and panicked he would be there to help me through it. Now I’m lucky if I get a ‘how are you’ from him, or my other friends, anymore. They never question the neutral, emotionless expression on my face rather than the old sweet grin I used to have, they never stop to think that while everyone else has found their peace, I never found mine. I tried multiple times to sacrifice myself to the Nogitsune, I screamed, I plead, over and over again for him to take me instead. The pack was silenced as they watched in horror, but, no one has mentioned that since. As if when I cried hysterically to a thousand year old spirit to take my life instead of the boy who had continued to forget me never even happened in the first place.}}

     _{^{Maybe I thought too much about it. I never expect anything in return for my actions, but, sometimes I wish my own friends would look at me and care at what they saw. Because what I saw wasn’t me, but what I had become instead. And no one wanted to change it—no one cared enough to.}}

     _{^{Suddenly, my door swings open and the other side of it slams into my wall. I gasp as my phone flings from my hand as my hands when to brace the covers of my bed. My heart stops for a full second until I look up to see who had came barging in. Breathing heavily and clad more in sweat than his own clothes, Stiles continues to struggle to catch his breath. I spring from my bed and go to help him, but he holds a hand up to stop me, slouching to grip onto his knees as I stare down helplessly at him. My heart is beating rapidly, my mind unsure of how to react.}}

     _{^{I almost smile as he looks up at me with a dorky grin until he starts to explain himself. “I was with the pack, a—and I almost forgot, but I ran here from Scott’s. My jeep wouldn’t start.” They were having a pack meeting? I look away for a handful of seconds, eyebrows knitting together till I gently reach for his arm, lifting him for him to stand and leading him to my bed. “I knew I was missing something when you weren’t there. Scott said he texted you, like, an hour before I got there.” My phone hasn’t gone off all night.}}

     _{^{“Sit down, please.” I whisper, and he shuts his mouth and does as told. I stand before him as he looks up at me with curious eyes, right until I hear my phone buzz next to my bed. I walk stiffly to the phone and see a text notification from Scott. We had a pack meeting. I’m sorry that I forgot to remind you. I shakily sigh and Stiles sharply turns towards me. I set my phone onto my pillow and grab onto my arm. “I’ll go wash my face real quick. Movies are in the bottom drawer.”}}

     _{^{My feet quickly pad across my room to lock myself in my bathroom, hurt residing in my brain and my chest. Unknowingly to me, Stiles checks my phone and sees the notification for himself, and the realization comes to him. In fact, I reach my own. My friends are forgetting me. They don’t want anything to do with me other than what I can help with. And by the time I get to the sink, my cheeks are already damp. Instantly I even regret starting to cry at all, embarrassed at the fact that I’m not alone and Stiles will see my blotchy face and reddened eyes. I’m afraid of talking to him about it.}}

     _{^{But, for a surprise, when I come out the first thing he does is hug me. I haven’t been hugged in what feels like a crushing amount of time, so, when he does, I don’t know what to do at first. Hesitantly, my hands gently go to his back while his arms are firm around me. The most of our night is not movie-watching, but having to hear Stiles open up to how he feels terrible for lying to me, and him not letting me apologize for myself at all.}}

     _{^{And as both his hands reach my arms again, and he looks up at me with such a real expression of empathy and want to do better, I convince him that it was all alright, when I knew that this apology was long overdue.}}

     _{^{Even if I still can’t brush off the many nights I’ve had to spend left alone vulnerable and taken advantage of, the weeks I spent isolated from my friends, for now, things feel just a little okay. When it came down to Stiles, at least. As he pulls me for another hug, this time… I hug back just as firmly, and I don’t let go.}}

 

1. August. 

“The way to get started is to quit talking and start doing.” – Walt Disney.

August was not as bad as I thought it would be. School is easy in the first semester, primarily the first month. It felt nice to be promoted from a freshman. I had good hopes for the school year, despite the immense anxiety of it all.

2. September.

“Always let your conscious be your guide.” – Jiminy Cricket, from Disney’s Pinocchio.

When school begins to really get in session, studying gets a little easier and maneuvering around the hallways gets a little less tedious. I tend to think September is the ‘settling in’ month of the school year.

3. October.

“Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.” – Winnie the Pooh.

Around this time was fall break, and one of the worst relapses I have had with my mental health issues and it heavily affected my schoolwork and attitude towards school entirely. It made me realize that this issue was a part of me, not just something I could ignore and pretend that speaking about how I feel is a burden to my parents. I got help.

4. November.

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.” – Mulan, from Disney’s Mulan.

This is usually the time of year that I excel in my grades, mostly because I am in good spirits for my birthday, Thanksgiving break and December coming up. 

5. December.

“Today’s special moments are tomorrow’s memories.” – Genie, from Disney’s The Return of Jafar.

December is probably one of my favorite months of the entire year, both season wise and school wise. All the teachers and students are just aching for winter break, everyone is feeling festive, and it is just a nice time of year.

6. January.

“You don’t have to be timid. You must be bold darling.” – Lumiere, from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.

This was a very self-reflective time for me, school wise and self. I had a good break from school, although returning was a pain. I really established my friend circle and gained a better perspective of the kind of student I am.

7. February.

“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.” – Cinderella, from Disney’s Cinderella.

I don’t like this time of year. I am simply a Halloween kind of girl, not so much a lovey-dovey person, even if the idea of having someone to spend Valentine’s Day with is something I do want. This also is a time of great impatience for me, with talks of school coming to a close, EOC talks and everything else. It is a stressful time for me.

8. March.

“Change is good.” – Rafiki, from Disney’s The Lion King.

With EOCs closing in, March is chaotic. It feels as if the school year is not yet coming to a close, but not yet still stuck at the beginning. It is a slow month, with little to look forward to, but at least it is another month done.

9. April.

“There’s a whole world at your feet.” – Bert, from Disney’s Mary Poppins.

With, finally, the school year coming to a close, after stressful EOCs of course, everything feels dreadfully long. However, the feeling of completion feels good. I am much different, or so I feel, from the beginning of the year. I am ready to finish the year fresh.

10. May.

“Why worry? If you’ve done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better.” – Walt Disney.

Goodness, it feels great to be at the end of the school year. Everything I have accomplished feels complete, EOCs are done and my hopes are high. Even with summer work being a pain, I will not let it spoil my break. With the new highschool opening, I am fearful of losing some of my good friends, but all I can really do is hope that the rest of their highschool careers do them well.

She took my dream,

and she took my wish.

Snow White is an evil witch.

What could have been mine

is lost in the past,

when I saw her face in the glass.

So I took to a fruit to cast;

red, sweet and will be her last.

Snow White is an evil witch,

and I want her, when she eats it, to cringe and fritz.

So, I put on my cloak and went on my way

to, at last, end Snow White’s reign. 

I will not stand to lose my dreams once more,

for when Snow White takes a bite, there is no cure.

Snow White is an evil witch.

I am close to her house.

I hear her dwarves.

I knock on the door,

and lean in. She will be dead soon.

As soon as she sees me, I give a laugh, loud and clear, and I ask:

“All alone, my dear?”